Drawing the Line Isn’t So Bad: Why Setting Boundaries is Important
Setting boundaries with the people in our lives doesn’t mean we don’t need them or we are better off alone. It’s actually the opposite. When we set boundaries, it’s because we value the relationship, and we want it to thrive. We want to avoid any misunderstandings in the future and feelings left unsaid by establishing early on what’s okay and not from the get-go.
Unfortunately, it’s easier said than done.
Setting Boundaries with Your Family
Perhaps one of the aspects of our lives that’s difficult to have boundaries with is our family, especially if you have helicopter parents who want to be involved in your life, even the parts of it that they shouldn’t be privy to. But for the sake of our sanity and for the sake of having a harmonious relationship with our parents, siblings, spouses, and, more importantly our children (because if we don’t want our parents hovering over us, then let’s not do the same to our kids), it’s essential to set boundaries and respect theirs in return.
Setting boundaries with your parents
Identify the boundaries you want to set: Before you have “the talk” (my, my, how the tables have turned) with your parents, remember that their instinct to be involved in every part of your life, even your love life, is hardwired. They did not get a parenting manual when you were born, and they have been figuring it out as they go, raising you the only way they know how. They base their behaviors on how they were raised.
Communicate clearly: See, there’s this thing we call a generational gap, and our parents might not be used to us having and voicing out our need for boundaries since they weren’t able to do so. So, once you’re ready to set your limits, be clear about them (i.e., tell them to call you 3x a week only and during nights when you’re already home) and be careful with your words, for they might become defensive, and you don’t want it to escalate into an argument.
Give them time to adjust: Setting boundaries with your parents will change your relationship’s dynamics, which they will need to get used to. So, don’t feel discouraged if they still overstep; they’re trying their best to adjust to your new rules.
Setting boundaries with your partner
Establishing boundaries with a romantic partner usually happens early in the relationship, but that’s only if you’re already aware of the limitations you want to impose. However, setting boundaries can still help relationships at any stage, after all, you only realize you have a need for them once you truly get to know each other (you know, after the honeymoon phase and when the rose-colored glasses come off).
When you set boundaries with your partner, make sure they’re practical and easy for you to enforce. For example, if you value your financial independence, it’ll be hard to maintain that boundary if you and your partner have not yet discussed how you’ll share living expenses. Or if you value your privacy, you can’t enforce it with your partner if you tell them your phone’s passcode and email passwords. Make sure your actions align with the boundaries you want to set, and don’t waver.
Setting boundaries with your children
Setting boundaries with our children is often the easiest, simply because we are their parents. However, when we establish these limits, it’s important to avoid the “because I say so” approach. For our boundaries to truly stick with our kids, we must explain that boundaries are not a means to control or punish them. Instead, we need to explain the reasons behind certain rules. And of course, we must lead by example—it’s hard to enforce limits on screen time if we’re always glued to our phones.
Setting Boundaries with Your Friends
We have friends who feel like family, and sometimes, we forget to set boundaries with them. But setting boundaries with friends, even those you have known since childhood, is necessary, otherwise we risk building up resentment that could have been easily avoided had we set some ground rules in the beginning. The key to setting boundaries with our friends is open communication, being empathetic yet firm, mutual respect, and offering support no matter what.
Talking to the people in our lives about boundaries might be something we want to avoid. But it’s something we have to endure to have the best quality relationship with our parents, partners, children, and friends.
